Wayne’s Memorial - from Don Cox
I visited Wayne several times since the project’s completion, not as many as I wanted to and certainly not as many as others of you. With each visit, while I found Wayne increasingly struggling – he continued to do so each time with courage and good humor. His attitude was awesome. My last “in person” visit with Wayne was around Thanksgiving in November 2010. I didn’t know it would be at that time. As is the case with life experience, the thought “had I known….” comes to mind. Yet, I knew each time was maybe that last chance to give him a hug and let him know I, like all of you, loved this great friend of ours.
Wayne’s memorial get together – at the Redland Grange outside Oregon City – was another time of friendship with family and friends. Tables were set up to share with everyone some pictures of Wayne through his life – as a student at Oak Grove Grade School and Rex Putnam High, an athlete at both schools, a friend, a son, a father, and a brother. Yes, even the newspaper article of our ramp project was there too. There was a huge turnout....although I didn't know most of the people. The ones I can name from family I came to know and our classmates included Kathy and Trevor Lauman, Wayne's mom, brother Jim and sister Gail, Joanie Synder, Kris Eldridge Miller, Jeff Miller, Ralph Volk, Kim Kaphammer (Greg had a work project to do and was trying to get there later, Jim and Gina Adamson, John Adamson, Johnny Adamson (Jim and John’s mom), Larry and Tami Marl, Jodie Verhaeghe Marshall, Steve Gutendorf, Mark Foster, Ted and Marilyn Zetterberg, Brian Smith (who donated flowers that graced the place), Debbie Merchant, Mark Jacobson, Mark Senger, Cheryl Cousins Morrow, Greg Oberst, Sue Wright Terzo, Rob Lee, Jim Perry, Jeff Morse, my wife Lynne and me, of course. I know I'm forgetting some (faces/names).
Joanie Synder had coordinated the food potluck – and it was an impressive amount of food. Jim and John Adamson BBQ’d out back. The hours were spent sharing friendship with all those gathered and remembering Wayne. Wayne’s mom got everyone’s attention and thanked everyone for coming and how much it was appreciated. Wayne’s mom is a special lady. Many photos were taken and have been shared on Facebook, I understand, and some will be shared here as well. Through the memorial our thoughts were that Wayne is looking down and enjoying everyone having a good time, as he would have been and as he did with us many times.
In talking to Wayne’s brother-in-law as I left the memorial, he thanked me again for our team’s work and said how Wayne was always talking about it and how much it meant to him. I shared with him that our ramp project for Wayne was a highlight of my life we got so much out of it and that I have kept Wayne's "goodbye email to me" in my Bible since the time he sent it. I felt good from what he shared with me of how much it meant to Wayne and that he told others so even when we weren't around. I know it wasn’t the physical ramp or deck that meant the most, but that friends and family demonstrated that love to him in such a special way. Wayne, even after passing, keeps giving that gift to me – and I believe to you too – in what his family shares with us in this way.
I will share with you the e-mail exchange I had with Wayne on March 16, 2011. First are my thoughts shared with Wayne, followed by Wayne’s response to me, which ended up being the last words Wayne shared with me – and I want you to read those words as if he is talking to each one of you because I believe he would say the same to all of you:
Wayne – I have shared thoughts with others about you – of the good times and all the friendship and courage you have always shown…..I just received a note from Frank your news that “things not going so good.” Wayne, you are in my prayers for strength of spirit and comfort…and wanting you to know I am thinking of you so much right now. I saw our 8th grade student council picture a little while ago, and saw you standing there just in front of me back in your 7th grade year. Since those days, we have all had our life experiences – and have been able to share some times together, RPHS basketball and especially in these past few years. Like I’ve told you many times and I want you to know….you are a special man, special friend – and I’m sending an “e-hug” to you right now.
God has a plan for each of us, and we don’t always see clearly each day what those plans will be….or even what they are as we live them. What I can share with you is that I know one of those plans for you was to touch people like me as an example of how to live with courage, love and constant friendship…maintaining humor and friendship throughout, no matter what. Wayne, thank you for being that example to me…and I know for many others too. Another “e-hug” here too. You are a blessing to your son, Trevor, to Kathy….to your mom, and all your family. We don’t know why God had in your life plans to experience ALS – as we often don’t know why “bad things happen to good people.” Yet, because of your ALS experience there have been blessings from it too – we were all able to show you how much we love you and I feel that love from you in return. As I get older, it becomes clearer to me that we often get caught up in “things” – acquiring things – but it seems to me that those “things” are sought because we feel we are in search of “something”…not consciously knowing what it is. I believe what we seek at the core of each of us is LOVE. And Wayne, you have so much love coming your way from me and I know so many friends and family…and above all that, the love of God – who demonstrated His love for us all through Jesus – and I pray that you also feel His love pouring over you in this difficult time also. I pray that the love of God provides (and His love is demonstrated on earth by all the love given you by family and friends) a peace and joy inside you, that you can smile and KNOW inside that you are loved so much, my friend. Forgive me, my friend, for not visiting as often as I hope – yet know I’m thinking of you always. I’m very thankful for Mr. Zetterberg being a constant presence for you, and for Frank being there and keeping me informed….Until that time we meet again, accept another hug from me and add to that a “high-five” and shared smile with you – love you, Wayne.”
Wayne replied – and I say this response is to ALL of you and share it as Wayne’s closing words to each of you individually and can hear him saying so in his memorial:
“You are a great friend that I am so very glad to have gotten to know. May peace, love and joy follow you throughout your life. Your friend, Wayne”
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For Wayne - From Steve Gutendorf
Days, weeks and even years have flown by since we were children, and full of unlimited energy, we felt indestructible. Without a care in the world, we lived for all the kid stuff - the birthday parties, pool parties, baseball and basketball games, and even the start of a new school year. To be reunited with our school friends, sports, dances and hopefully good grades were happier times indeed… As children we thought we would live FOREVER. For those of us who reach middle age, we soon realize “nobody gets out alive.” So the question begs an answer: “What’s our plan now? Where are we headed and what’s on our minds as the minutes, hours, days, years and miles of life roll away? Are we learning anything yet at our age?
Wayne is not the first friend / loved one I have lost because of a dreaded disease. With each loss I have learned valuable lessons; about the dying process, but also about living. Most people place more emphasis on one than the other. We all know how to live, but who really knows anything about dying? I believe in giving each dimension of our life its due attention. We are wise not to be dominated by any one area of our life to the neglect of another. Easily said but great effort and discipline must be applied to achieve the balance. Secretly, I’ve been known to fail and not on rare occasions either…
The few times I spent with Wayne reinforced lessons previously learned through loss, about compassion, love, humility, patience and finally dignity. Wayne did not lose his battle to ALS. Wayne’s victory goes beyond ALS and extends within each one of us, and on to others with each of these lessons. Whether others have needs or not, we can be patient with others, love others, demonstrate humility and compassion toward others, and finally maintain dignity for those who no longer are able to. I find these things quite important as I care for my 93 year old father daily. He lived through the great depression and fought in two wars and worked two and sometimes three jobs so I could have new clothes and meals every day. Yet he tells me that he remembers when he was a bratty teenager… He is still here because I still have lessons to learn from him.
Though in the physical, Wayne’s body is no longer here, “Wayne” is not gone. He has only slipped away to the next room. He still “IS” just as we still “ARE.” He lives through us and our memories and through the lessons we hopefully learned from him while he was here in the flesh. Whatever we were to each other,,, that we still are. Speak to him and call him by his old familiar names. Speak to him in the same easy way which we always did. Place no difference in our tone and wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little dumb jokes we all enjoyed together. Play, smile, and think of Wayne always. And yes, it’s okay to still pray for him, we need to practice. Let his name be ever the household word that it always was. Let his name be spoken without effect, without a shadow on it.
If we do these things, Wayne has been victorious in his life and in his passing! Life will mean all that it ever meant and will be the same that it ever was. Why should Wayne be out of mind just because he is out of sight? I believe Wayne is waiting for each of us, for just a moment, an interval... Somewhere, very near, possibly just around the corner.
I will see you in the morning my brother!
Steve Gutendorf
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